Im alone. Im broken. Im angry. This isnt the way i wanted it to be. Im not sorry, im kind of sorry. Ill never be okay with who i am.
I havent been dreaming lately and its bothering me. Ben said in my sleep i was freaking out. But i dont remember. So for the lasr few weeks everythings felt like a blur. No dreams, and the days just seem to run together and i dont remember a lot. Anyways i didnt dream last night. But when i woke up i was so depressed i started crying. All i did was wake up. I wanted to off myself. I just dont know why or what this means. I just feel like somethings wrong. Im lonely, and irritated. This feeling in my chest. Its so heavy.
Turns my stomach inside out.
i feel sick i feel mentally and pyshically drawn my entire body aches for the something, there’s a neverending hole driving into my mind and leaving way too much space forr thinking and i want nothing more than to have the courage to at least end it all to finally put a stop to the voices in my head repeating the same endless chant “you are worthless, you are worthless, you are worthless”
I dont know you.
I dont know you at all, any way shape or form.
I know your not worthless.
I feel it.
It really hurts when you blow all your chances. Not just one, but two. The first love asked me out, out of the blue At a new school i just started going to. I wanted him to love me and i didnt have to try Except those times when he cheated and lied. Sometimes he got over protective and i didnt know why, On and off four years is a really long time. And all i really hate is the bad terms were left on when its time to say bye Even tho you were a dick, and yea i was a bitch Id be nice to say hi and make sure that your fine. Danny, im sure somewhere in there your a desent guy.
Then in between that bullshit between him and i, i started chillin with this girl i knew and she really caught my eye. i liked her so much that i couldnt even say it. Untill i got mad and found out you and josiah did shit. I pulled you aside, tryin to keep my voice from shaking. I told her how i felt and the relief from her smile had me feelin amazing. And from their that went. We also had some bullshit but i didnt give a shit. I love(d) that bitch. Held my hand all the time. Kisses all the time. She was even there holdin me when i was goin through my toughest time. I took her for granted. Because my emotions always leave me broke and stranded. Focused on other things that brought me down. Im sorry if ii pushed or played you around.
I guess the first love got to me. I thought you expected what he expected out of me. Now i think that with anybody. Because you both lied and cheated. You let me open my heart up so it could be mistreated. Now that im not on your mind, i wonder if its karma… But i never did something like this. I guess no matter what it is, im the building going in pieces by the dozer at the wrong and perfect time.
I have to say tho, when i see her all the dust from my shattered building dissappears. She smiles, she hugs me, and her sun kissed freckles just adore me. The look in her eyes… Although every word she speaks is a lie. She held onto my hands, even thinking about it makes me warm inside. -now its been a little while. But she kissed me. This time i wasnt gonna let her go. No debate for me or time to waste. I went to her right then and asked her to be mine. She said for real this time? -for real this time. I love you. I always want you by my side. A whole night of talking, walking too. When she held my hand it felt so sincere. I mean the things she was tellin me. I told you theres no one elses hand id rather be holding. We were sayin how were so happy. Well i was. Now your gone. You were gone the next day even though it was fast, i died a little. I was really happy, and i thought this time it was fer sher gonna last.
But i can still man up. Im happy your happy. I hope your happy. And rebba too. I dont hate and im not jealous. I say what i mean and i mean what i say. I kno all of us are just tryin to find our own way.
Even tho you both suck i hope my ex’s have a nice day
And f u a y d! B!
Y d. I h h. I t i l y. T.. i s i.
Beck song. Im getting drunk. Cause its friday. I like this girl but she leaves me totally confused. Huh. Jus like that other song. I cant really make you love me
I dont want to tell anyone. Tumblr seemed like the quietest place to say what i want somewhat out loud. I was happy.. this girl made me so happy. I feel like i was just a poster on her wall. She tore me apart. I want to die. Not just for this reason but my life is getting to that point. And i guess im just that type of person. Im so sad. I cant stop crying. And i just woke up.
Anyways, maybe another time. Maybe not. -erica christine